3. Speaking of dining out, we all know that restaurant salad bars are a breeding ground for bacteria. Thank God for "Salad Salvation," from the makers of Lysol. Just a quick spritz from the handy spray bottle wipes out all cold germs, 27 kinds of bacteria, and the occasional busboy. Available in three delicious flavors sure to complement any salad, including "Spring Blossom," "Menthol Potpourri," and "Bye-Bye E. Coli."
4. The best way to dodge germs is to avoid any contact with strangers. That's why there's "Kiss My Asp." This specially trained four-foot deadly Sahara horned viper fits easily into a coin pearl necklace purse or fanny pack, and is ready to strike anyone who ventures within ten feet of you. It comes with a vial of anti-venom for those unfortunate "accidents."
5. You no longer have to fear getting close to that special someone. From the makers of Trojan condoms, there's "French Miss," a sanitized rubber wrap that fits over any tongue. It comes in a variety of flavors, including "Essence of Garlic," "Morning Breath," and "Cigarette Butt" to alleviate the feeling that you're kissing a poncho.
6. And what can we say about the germ factories better known as public restrooms? Those paper sheets used to cover toilet seats are useless. (Have you ever seen those people who refill the dispensers?) Why not bring your own? Now there's "Bun Buddy," an inflatable sanitized seat cushion designed to fit any institutional toilet seat. Not only will you be pearl oyster protecting yourself from germs, but the sound of you blowing it up will provide some interesting imagery to the person in the next stall.
7. You can't escape germs in the workplace. But with "Cube Tube," a portable cylinder filled with sanitary wipes made especially for offices, you can fight back against corporate crud. Just be sure to wipe down the cubicle of the guy next to you-the one who bathes only on payday and has mold spores growing out of his coffee cup.
A sudden thought: I wonder what that lady at the pearl jewelry grocery store does to the produce? I'm not sure I want to know...
Copyright 2007-2009. Chris A. Joseph. All rights reserved.
I had to chuckle the other day when I saw a woman at the grocery store vigorously rubbing the handle of her shopping cart with a sanitary wipe, apparently hoping a genie would pop out and grant her three germ-free wishes.
Since when have we become such a nation of germophobes? I mean, Babe Ruth used other players' toothbrushes and they called him the "Sultan of Swing," not the "Prince of Plaque."
But since a lot of folks would rather remove their pancreas with a paring knife than come within sniffling distance of a germ, I thought I'd introduce some products to help make our lives a little cleaner.
1. We all know that one of the most common ways to spread germs is by shaking hands. With that in mind, I introduce "Hand in a Can," an authentic disposable human hand packed in a hermetically sealed container. The economy size is perfect for those multiple handshaking functions like business meetings and political rallies, and the detachable middle finger is great for gesturing in traffic. Available in "Vice Grip" and "Cold 'n Clammy."
2. Dining out can be a special challenge for germophobes. Fortunately, there's "Waiter Abater." If you suspect that your waiter is even thinking about touching his nose, or worse, your entree, a simple press of a button zaps him with 100,000 volts of electric current from strategically positioned Taser guns. The chef then emerges from the kitchen to torture him with a turkey baster.
